I was today years old when I realized I cannot run or hide from this.
This life, this perpetual living in agony and ups and downs of living with a mental illness.
I have been a dog, chasing my tail, running in circles just to realize everyone is living with something or somethings eating away at them. No one is living a perfect life because this world is cruel and unfair, but we should never give into self-pity. And yet everywhere my head turns witnessing pain, glowing pain, screaming loudly from the faces and voices of friends and family. I cannot help but see the world on fire.
- I know two married beautiful, successful, loving black women living with infertility.
- I know over a dozen of women full of love and life eager to get married, varying in age, appearance, and profession.
- I know friends struggling to overcome the choke hold of dysfunctional families and unhealthy ties.
- I know people of rape, people of domestic abuse.
And you know what the nightmares, the shouting matches, the desire to alleviate pain, and the “timely” temptations to give up and give in to our worst addictions are not going way.
But guess what? God is not going away either. God is the same God He is yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Hebrews 13:8, “8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” The Father of lights has no shadow and His love for us is as unwavering as His eternal presence.
The goal is to not escape the pain, no, the goal is to change. It is to submit to the dying, to the separation of my true self revealed in the resurrecting power of Christ Jesus from the wicked sin nature who keeps me running in circles.
The goal is to change, so in Christ I can overcome my obstacles. I can withstand these temptations, and then encourage others to do the same.
If I stay the way I am, then I am electing death at the cost of protecting my pride. I cling to the pathetic life I have and I will die and all the promises and blessings that shall befall me and others will never happen due to my inability to be humble, obedient, to not be selfish.
But mostly due to my inability to not trust God.
There are over 10,000 reasons to trust God. Do I dare not find one promise to make my own, to not clutch to?
But I do not want to waste my life. Life is full of adversity but it can also be fulfilling. Jesus showed us how to not waste a second of our earthly existence because how we live matters to God. I want to receive “a job well done” from the Person who matters the most to me, not exuding the fumes of someone who barely escaped the flames of this life.
Matthew 10:39 “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”