God's Love Hope Mental Illness Pain Spiritual Warfare

I Had an Episode

I have been struggling ever since September. Struggling to have Bible Study regularly, pray three times a week, and a desire to seek God above all things. 

I am struggling in areas I never believed the flesh would show its ugly head. I want to tell my therapist but I am afraid if I expressed to her the extent of my delusions and dissociation she would one day put me away or give me even harsher treatment. I am thankful though God would never look at me as a crazy person, only a human being severely broken, spiritually malnourished, emotionally wounded, indecisive, immature, but never beyond His grace and mercy. 

There are days, weeks I covet, wish I was someone else, living in the mind of a different person. Someone who does not experience these irrational, dysfunctional episodes or who does not shy away from romantic relationships or push people away. But now I understand how I feel like I am missing out on life not because of a lack of social media presence, but a lack of spiritual vitality and maximizing spirituality in me. What I crave is to feel alive, to be noticed, valued, and loved not as the woman I have to present to the world in fear of being called crazy, but to be affirmed as someone who is trying their hardest to live.

To know the One True God loves and prefers the later, to know Jesus never looks at me disdainfully, but with His tender compassion and signature mercy drives me to tears every time. 

Psalms 145:18 says, “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” There are days where I question, am I even a child of God? Look at how I act. See the evil written in my heart. Was I ever a Christian? 

But you know what? That is what guilt, regret, the past, the devil does to pull us farther away from God. In our weakest moments, Satan plants thoughts of condemnation into brains to make us believe what we have done is unforgivable and how attaining perfection is the way to seek God’s approval or that He is through with us. 

Lies from the enemy. 

My moment of tears led me to reading a small devotional, and trust me, Beloved there are no coincidences in the life of a Christian. I opened it to today’s date: November 14, 2020 and the topic of meditation was How God Feels About You and the whole entire devotional was written in the language of God’s love. 

Beloved, please note, even in our darkest and weakest moments, we are never beyond God’s light and love. He can break through any wall. This is why Psalms 145:18 says, “The LORD is near to all who call on him,” because God is everywhere. He exists outside space and time. God knows where we are physically and mentally every place, moment, second. No one dwells outside of the knowledge of God. I called on God before I wrote this and He heard me. He heard me  and knew I would call His name ages before I was born and His lovingkindness continues to carry me through this very dark period. 

I call on the Lord in truth. Not truth to how Tory, determines it, but truth according to the Word of God, according to the authority, the genuine article. 

I call on the Lord based on how and who He presents Himself to be in scripture. The Word demonstrates detailed accounts, anecdotes, visions, and verses describing who God is, and the inexhaustible might of His love and how it penned the greatest love story in all eternity. 

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.—ISAIAH 54:10 God shows compassion to me daily. He plans the entirety of my day from the moment I wake to when I lay my head and when I keep my eyes open I catch glimpses of Him winking at me or using me to show His goodness to those around me. God’s love to me is so great and everlasting even when the mountains crumble and creation succumbs to decay and rot; His love remains as bright as a newborn star. 

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”—GENESIS 28:15 God wants me to learn how His faithfulness is not dependent on my imperfect commitment to Him. God is faithful because by nature that is who He is. The Lord God is not a man that He should lie. He means what He says and backs up all of His words with actions. The Lord God in heaven makes good on all of His promises, while I am enduring this trial God’s comfort is resting on me. He is teaching me how my mind stayed on Him, how to be a godly woman hungering for Him not looking at the world. God wants me to learn how His presence is enough to pass a trial and how relying on the power of the Holy Spirit, empowers me to resist Satan’s temptations to give in. God’s faithfulness does not guarantee a trial free life, but it guarantees the victory awaiting us at the finish line. 

Through Christ Jesus, the amalgamation of God’s action and love, He is the fulfillment of the law and God’s promises in the Old Testament. God promised the Messiah, Immanuel meaning “God is with us” and He delivered tenfold. 

  • In Christ, I am a child of God and my sins are permanently paid for: past, future, and present. 
  • In Christ, I am a new creation, yes I sin, but confession and repentance restores fellowship.
  • In Christ, I am purified of all unrighteousness. 
  • In Christ, I am a beloved child of God. 

Thus saith the King of kings, the Prince of Peace. 

This is the truth where I rest my case. 

This is the hill I choose to die on. I have faith and trust in God’s love for me and though I am living in more mental anguish than usual God is determined to fulfill His promise to me. 

If you’re reading this, fight it. I know it’s hard but when you determine it in your will (not emotions) to believe what God says, then our faith activates the power of God’s Word.  Although self doubt and regret are spiritual blockers, keeping us from experiencing the outpour of His might and compassion, the Holy Spirit teaches us how to work pass on our own unbelief. 

Get on your knees and speak it:

“Dear Gracious Lord and Heavenly Father:

I need your help. I cannot fight this battle on my own. Independently, I am powerless, so here I am. I present my need before you expressing to You how I need your comfort, peace, and presence. I confess to you sins, forgive me of arrogance and of entertaining the lies from the enemy and delusions of grandeur. Cleanse by the blood of your sin as I humble myself before You, submitting to you as Lord over my life and protector of my mind. In Jesus name, amen.”

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This read was so refreshing. I’ve been feeling the same way. Glad to know that I’m not in this alone.