Welcome to Nomad’s Log where I post smaller, more concise blogs about my daily life.
One of the hardest lessons you’ll ever have to learn is how you are your own worst enemy.
Today, I did an interview with a high school in a lucrative and high academic school district I want desperately to teach at.
My interview was not horrible or mediocre by any means, and my answers were thought out, but they were not superb. This was my third interview at a school this summer and I was tired of answering generic questions, giving scripted answers. I was tired and my soul could not handle anymore dashed hopes while suppressing feelings of worthlessness and failure.
The interview lasted roughly 45 minutes and after I completed it. All the doubts and second guessing thoughts rushed into my mind. Resting in my bed, I could not help but critique my answers, sifting through the words I said. It seemed like all my great explanations escaped my mind and all I could think about was what I should have said and how I should have connected it to something else I did and provided a different example.
I called up my mentor and did not feel better afterward. My mentor is a veteran educator and historian who taught at the elementary, middle, high, and collegiate levels in addition she is frequently asked to advise the academic treatment of kids, parents, and teachers. Speaking with her garnered me a different perspective about working in suburban districts and what they are searching for however I did feel worse.
I felt like once again, I was not measuring up in some shape or form. I felt like I could just catch a break after all I experienced and underwent this year: break ups, rejection, job losses, sick, COVID 19, so like an addict–I did what I normally did when I am experiencing a highly distressing situation.
I sin. I dissociate. I enter my own fantasy world through music, where I play god and I do not have to experience the full totality of the situation. This dissociation takes over my whole body and I walk around the house like a zombie. I started exclaiming internally what is wrong with me? How did I get here? How did I get to such a low place internally? Why am I like this?
Finally, after the usual hurried twenty five minutes of this sinful sedative, I slink away like a dog, with a tail between my legs to my bedroom; when I saw one of my devotionals lying on my bed. I picked it up and read the devotional for today and it was called “Faith that Could Move Mountains”. I read it. My spirit was desperate for a word and the answer smacked me.
I hurriedly grabbed my laptop and my bible, heading to the backyard deck. Sitting down, I gaze into the folds of great green trees and feel the heat of the summer on my back.
So much of these past years, I have been battling such immense feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, and depression. (Although, I have taken major strides to protect my mental health. Recently, I found a way better therapist and these sessions make me so nervous, but it’s a good thing, because I know we’re attacking the problem. Then, a really accomplished, good friend has taken me under her wing and is my designated life choice.
So, you may, ask what is the issue?
Well, the issue is me…my unbelief.
I am in my own way.
I am my own problem.
God has supplied me with everything I need to be a confident, inspiring, woman of God and I voluntarily choose everyday to live spiritually like a bum on the street. God has given me His living Word, the Christian resources, the seminars, the emotional and professional support, what is missing is my faith, my belief that He will do a great work in me.
My unbelief is the problem.
My lack of faith is disturbing. And I am tired of it.
My own soul is tired of me.
As I am continuing through life, each day I am realizing circumstances are not growing easier and the problems I am facing at home, work, social, and personal are far more complicated and intense than I could fathom.
The funny thing is God addressed and told me what is/was holding me back years ago: my sins. Sexual immoral thoughts, coveting after the things of the world, and idolatry or in my case purposely avoiding stressful situations and venturing into lala land so I could gain control.
So, here is the question of the century? How can I walk into the fullness of my calling when I am living and practicing sin?
I can’t and God will not honor it either.
God is holy, perfect. He is void of darkness and inquiry. His expectations are not lowered because of my inadequacies.
So, sitting on the porch, I opened my body and read outloud to God Psalms 32 and 56, confessing my sins, and declaring by faith this mountain of unbelief shall move, reminding myself God is a promise keeper; He is dependable and I am the one holding back.
I have place limitations where there should not be any.
I thank the Holy Spirit for this conviction and now I am taking active steps to live out the truths of my identity.
- I am a child of God.
- I am a new creation.
- I am redeemed.
- I am forgiven.
And while I have been a Christian for years, I know there is an exceptional difference between confession and repentance. I asked God for His guidance in these specific areas. It is time for true repentance, it is time for the white funeral. Because my therapist is right, what use is it to be blessed and remain the same poorly developed soul before you received them?
There is no good to come from that.
Copyright © 2020 by A Meeting at the Well