Nomad’s Log Day 4
Hi! Welcome to Nomad’s Log where I write weekly or daily, concise blog posts about my life, which are usually grammatically flawed.
Yesterday, everything hit me.
- I lost my friends.
- I am suffering from mental illness: depression.
- I am working in a hostile work environment.
- I am not being paid my worth.
- I am in college debt.
- My masters has been put on hold due to racial discrimination.
- I still live at my parents’ house.
- And then worst, old desires of not working any longer in my field are resurfacing and I confessed to my coworkers and one of my close friends that I am quitting my job as a teacher on Friday.
So, yes, everything hit me.
After I dropped off my close friend at her house, I broke down on the side street, turned off my vehicle lights and I started hyperventilating. I began breathing out of my mouth, shallow breaths grew rapidly and I could not stop the tears and snot from coming forth.
Good God. I could not believe I was in this situation.
If any of you have followed my story or blog, then you know I have been struggling with working in this very low, high needs school and the year has grown progressively worse. This is the worst school I have ever worked at and when I tell my friends story. They look at me and say:
We have lost 4 teachers and 2 important educational staff/administration throughout the year. This has already destabilized the non academic and behavioral culture there.
The children swim in apathy and us, teachers hang on by a thread. The administration are enablers and like to pretend like everything is fine when the school is sinking faster than the titanic.
I feel guilty for wanting to leave because I do care about the students. But I cannot survive like this. My room is a mess and I feel dread and resentment traveling to work, for a school that can be so effective, but chooses to use our low income black demographic for money.
So, as I am crying I have my Gospel playlist playing and there is a few moments of silence before the next song plays:
“Oo…..talk to me….”
It was “Open Your Heart” by Yolanda Adams and I promise you, if my heart could sing, this would be the ballad this would be the melody my heart would sing to the Lord. My heart synthesized with the song immediately, my soul ached and poured into the soft tender melody, because I knew in that moment out of all the 97 songs on that playlist, shuffled to perfection and zero songs repeated; I knew it was God in the car, consoling and comforting me.
I was grieving. And I am still grieving.
I knew my life was going to change the moment I let go of my close friends. I knew my life was going to be different when I left a prestigious high school to teach at a high needs school.
I was grieving over the losses of the past few years and shedding more tears for the fear I fear in regards to my future. I do not know where I am going career wise. I know I love to write, blog, read, and edit. I have a degree to be an editor but I have no idea how to go about that career. So, yes yesterday, I was anxious and today I still am.
I did not go to work today, I chose to fast and push deeper into the presence of God. I am getting much needed clarification and direction and I trust God will be faithful and fulfill all His promises.
Copyright © 2020 by A Meeting at the Well