It is Valentines Day again another day of seeing the annual red and pink balloons, seeing heart shaped cards and candies with the sweetest messages written on them, and another line of dedicated posts commemorating years of a flourishing relationship or a newly found love.
It is also another year of yours truly being single, the last and only relationship I have had thus far was in 2015. It has been five full years of zero dates, DMs, “good morning” and “good night” text messages, surprise gifts and someone I adore speak affirming words to me or us planning the future together.
And guess, what?
I could not have planned these five years better.
Although today and many days throughout the year, I felt the urge to sign up for Tinder. I experience pressure from both well meaning friends and ignorant friends to step outside what God has told me to do, but the overall contentment and lessons I’ve acquired are rare treasures. I could not have found any better way than taking each day holding my Savior’s hand.
Jesus has truly shown me the strength of His tenderness during these five years after college.
I know it may sound corny, but looking at the heartbreak I’ve endured from situationships, to broken friendships and disappointments–I realized how strong of a heart I have and how much fortitude resides in my body. As I am growing in the fruit of contentment, my heart goes out to so many of you, who are older or younger than me craving companionship, craving to meet your godly wife or husband.
As an African American, young woman, I know far too many women who are single, widowed, or divorced staring into heaven wondering “where is my boaz” or “why am’ I still single”. My heart hurts for these ladies because I know some of them personally. They are good, loving women. Or I stare at my youngest brother, who seems secure in himself, but I know from time to time he compares himself to the “ideal” men in society or on social media.
Sometimes, I catch myself, like today, genuinely questioning the Lord about this predicament and does He care He is leading a trial of broken, lonely hearts in the dustbowl of the church. However, I am not Jesus. I am not God. I have to humble and remember I cannot see the full picture or the innerworkings of the lives of others. God’s infinite wisdom does not resign itself to the matters of salvation and eternal life. God’s infinite wisdom invades all His plans and areas of control likewise the love lives of all His children, get special attention, including, yes you, the person reading this blog post.
So, I am here today, on this occasion to give you a love letter from God, my single brothers and sisters. I am here to assure you, not of your marriage date, but something grander and greater that you are who you need to be and where God wants you to be.
He hears you.
Now it is time for you to hear Him.
First and foremost, Beloved there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I have to address this first, because many of us are wounded animals, hit by arrows and gunshots from possible love interests who did not find us appealing or attractive. We’re constantly told from the lips of society or the media “our hair is too kinky” or “our lips too big” or “our skin too pale” or “our weight is too much” and it does not help that sometimes, the person we’re vying for reflects these desires and conditions we cannot fulfill.
In John MacArthur’s book titled, “God Loves You; Always Has and Always Will,” he explains how the world desperately needs to know the full extent of God’s personal and life changing love. Such love redefines how we perceive ourselves.
In Chapter One, “God Loves You,” he writes, ““As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain “hooked” to the world—trying, falling, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addiction because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.” The only way to know myself is to know the Creator who made me. The world creates an addiction in me when I constantly stare at what I am not and see what I cannot do or say. I stay fixated, searching for images and identities resembling me and how I was made and like Macarthur says, I will remain “hooked.” What I am searching for is as deep and full and overwhelming as the oceans and seas combined, the love of God is the only thing that can satisfy the deep recesses of my soul’s longing.
From your head to your toes, my friends, God made every single part of you, and He made it with intentionality and care. Do not let the world deceive you my friend, into believing you are a defective product or an incomplete model or toy. You are designed for a specific purpose and person.
I know you compare yourself, my friend to other women and men you may follow on social or in real life garnering all the attention. But your looks, skills, disposition is not made for everybody but for one singular person.
- God made Eve for Adam.
- God made Sarah for Abraham. Although Sarah was quite beautiful, she was created specifically for one person and purpose.
- Your body is not a mistake. God does not make mistakes. He is incapable of making mistakes, for God is completely holy and utterly perfect. To make anything less, than perfection conflicts with His nature.
Psalms 139:14-15 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.”
There may not be anyone who looks like you in the world and that is okay. You were made to reflect the nature of Jesus Christ into the world, revealing His love and care. You are an original, not a clone or copy. Stop looking for who you are in the world and look to your Maker to give to you the unconditional love your soul longs for.
Second, you are not on a marriage waiting list.
God sees your desire for marriage and has not ignored it, but have you been ignoring clear signs God wants you to address other areas in your life. Consider, if you were to find your significant other today, would that fix your low self esteem, your poor credit, your lack of commitment to the Lord?
Just because God is silent or refusing to move in one area does not mean He is not working in other areas of our lives.
Numbers 6:24-26, “‘“The Lord bless you and keep you; 25 the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; 26 the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’
Be grateful and rejoice over the blessings you are receiving in your career, or health life or academic life. Focus on the tasks God sets before you everyday and your attitude and attention shall shift. You will invest into what you can do and what possibilities lie before you, as God prepares the romantic aspect of your life. The greatest love stories in the Bible are always absent of human hands and if God utilizes human figures, then they are not credited to the blossoming relationship at the end of the story.
Your vacant love life will never resemble the goodness and love God gives you daily. Zero text messages or return calls can never diminish the love God has for you and the good He is planning for your future. Rejoice over what you have now!
We’re a culture obsessed over people’s age, because we want to be masters and controllers of our lives. We’re pressured to prioritize our desires and milestones over God’s perfect timing. For example, I remember when I was nineteen I told my best friends, I wanted to meet my significant other at twenty two, be courted by twenty four and married by twenty five.
Guess what? I am twenty six with zero prospects, an educator and my best friend friendships are disconnected. Life sure is a funny thing, if I were to tell my past self that, she would have leapt out a window or cried herself to sleep.
But maturity, too is a funny thing. Right now, I do not regret any of the changes and subtractions, the Lord God has made in my life. So, I encourage you, the good God is doing in your life do not devalue it, because you have no one to share it with. Be thankful for it. As God tells you what to work on, plant those seeds since you have the time, resources, and energy to do it. Invest in yourself. See what good deeds and changes you can bring to the world and see yourself as more than part of a pair, but a three dimensional human being complete in Jesus Christ.
Finally, your primary purpose is the glorification of God.
One of the prominent reasons, I started writing A Meeting at the Well was to not combat but add to relationship obsessed rhetoric, I see on social media, and hear in real life on a daily basis. I got so tired of hearing about relationships and significant others from friends and church members; my heart almost yearned for a place to where my singlehood was not seen as a curse but the asset for what it truly is.
Seriously, think about it:
- When you’re in a relationship, long term planning is “we” not “I.” Every choice is made between two not one.
- When you’re in a relationship, your responsibility doubles.
- When you’re not in a relationship, your energy, voice, strengths, weaknesses, and skills are given solely to God.
Why? Because the equivalent of singlehood is not the state of being unloved. Singlehood is a choice, and as a choice it can be the freedom of mind, body, and soul. It has the privilege to be free from any drama or toxicity, and being joyfully who you are without any demands or conditions.
To think your entire purpose of living on Earth is to marry someone, is to miss the wonderful journey of getting to know who you are in Christ Jesus. Each Christian’s primary purpose is to find their niche where they glorify God the most. We were created for our significant others yes, but overall our life is a testament to how we still in or out of relationships chose to worship God in words and deeds.
The glorious part is you do not need a significant other to accomplish this purpose. You need a willing, humble heart, ready to take on the greatest adventure you shall ever face.
So Happy Valentines Day, my friends!
You are deeply loved and you must walk in this truth.
Copyright © 2020 by A Meeting at the Well